The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
