The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
