mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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