so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
