i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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