I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
