I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
