I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
