9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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