Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
wow bdsm is so cute
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
