I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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