how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
MIDGETS
????
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
