i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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