she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
