I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Boobs speak an international language.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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