it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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