and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
