my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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