@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
