after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
