he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
