Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
