I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
