You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
