I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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