Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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