I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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