I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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