A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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