i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
