i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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