is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
