Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Are we still banned from the library?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
