i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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