margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
