I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
