forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
