you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
