It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
