i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
