I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
