Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
