You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
