stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
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Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize