shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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