She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
