Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
