before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
