Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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