My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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