I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
