Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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