My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
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I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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