Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
