maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
