I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
