Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
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My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
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And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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