peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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