You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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